Damn Your Dog.

I woke up this morning tired, annoyed, and impatient. Let me give you the rundown of my living situation:

Roommates: 4 (2 actual roommates and 2 adopted roommates because the both of them have significant others who practically live there)

Bathroom: 1

Pets: One of my roommates has an English Bulldog and a Cat.

Fucked up, right? Yeah, tell me about it. Instead of just ranting about why I’m so fucking irritated, I’m going to give all you first time roommates a few pointers. Listen carefully. 

Cleanliness: …is fucking key. Especially when you share a small space with multiple people. I don’t give a shit if you grew up with a silver spoon in your mouth or with absolutely nothing. When you share a space with multiple people, learn to clean up after yourself. Whether its washing your dishes after you use them, wiping down the table after you eat, or just taking out the fucking trash when you see that it’s full- everyone plays a part in a tidy household. I don’t give a crap whether your room looks like a bomb went off, communal areas are key. If you use my stuff, clean it. If I use your stuff, I’ll clean it.

Significant Others: I can’t stress this enough guys. If you have a significant other that happens to stay over a lot- Tell Them To Not Fuck With My Routine. I know you know my morning schedule. If you know I wake up at 8am to use the bathroom, tell them to get up at 7:30am to use the bathroom. This especially goes for weekdays. Shit, they shouldn’t even stay over on weekdays but I’m not even going to go there. Be courteous of your roommates schedules. All of us are working professionals, lets act professional here.

Pets: CLEAN UP HIS/HERS SHIT. Walking to the backyard and accidentally stepping on a pile of shit is not how I want to spend my Saturday morning. If you happen to walk into the house and smell some funky odor, it probably means it’s time to take them to the groomers. This is to all cat owners: Clean The Litter Every Single Fucking Day. This is such a vital step to keeping an odor-free home. Your cat(s) will definitely appreciate it, too. Think about it. Would you like having to go the restroom in a box of sand with yesterdays shit in it? I didn’t think so. It’s such a menial task that so many people overlook. It literally takes 5 minutes- grab the scooper, scoop out whatever feces are inside, throw it out, go on with your day. Like nothing even happened. If you happen to have an energetic pet, you should probably hire a walker if you work a 9-5. Being loud as fuck at 11pm on a Monday night because your pet is spracked out of its fucking mind is not cool. Not Cool At All. 

Bathroom: This probably fits under Cleanliness but fuck it, it deserves its own rant. Men: If you shave, clean that shit up. Men think women are so gross but in all honestly, you men are filthy animals. Yes, our hair may get stuck in the shower drain at times but at least our hair drains somewhere. Little tiny stubs of hair follicles that look like mini pubes all over the sink is fucking disgusting. A bathroom is a sanctuary. A place of zen and peace. Not grimy corners filled with small stubs of hair and shaving cream residue with random streaks of yellow on the sink. How the fuck does that even happen? Actually, never mind, don’t answer that. All of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Clean up your pubes. Thanks. Ladies: Yes, we are just as guilty. When you blow dry, wipe the floor down because hair will without a doubt be on the floor. When you spray whatever the hell you like to spray on yourself, make sure you wipe down everything down because I can bet my left tit that you sprayed it on at least 50% of the surface areas in there. Set up a ‘clean the shower drain’ schedule for yourself. It honestly isn’t that bad if you stay consistent. If not, you end up pulling out a baby chewbacca every time and trust me, that baby is not pretty. If you know your sharing a bathroom with multiple individuals, keep your personals somewhere discreet. I know, I know, it’s mother nature but that does not mean tampons and pads should be lying around everywhere. It’s far from sexy and come on, it’s a crazy time for us- you don’t want to give anyone another reason to think about us during that piece of shit 9th circle of hell time of the month. We’re already going through enough. Leaving out our personals will only reminds us that it’s coming and it’s coming with vengeance.

Don’t Be Passive-Aggressive: Don’t leave post-it notes. Don’t ignore the issue. Don’t be rude about it. If you have a concern or an issue, let everyone know. Being passive-aggressive is going to get you nowhere and that goes with all aspects of life but I digress. If something is bothering you, be straight up and forward about it. Speak your mind. Don’t be annoying and just say what you feel. The worst that can happen is you move out and if that does happen, it may be for the better. But be smart about what you say. Don’t say anything out of frustration- you need to mentally prepare yourself and your argument. It should be a valid one and if you have to question whether or not it’s a valid argument, ask for an opinion. Go ahead and ask me. I welcome all questions. My point is, pick your arguments wisely. Having roommates is like having a relationship minus the sex…sometimes. But that’s for another post.

Ah, I’m feeling much better. Aside from being 11 days out from moving, I’m still sad about leaving. We all have our moments, especially when living with other people. You learn to be patient (at times) and you learn a lot about yourself like whether or not you are ready to live with a significant other. This is off topic but I seriously take my hat off to every single one of you couples out there that aren’t married and living together. Kudos, my friends, kudos.

Obviously, I’m not ready.