dating

The Inner Monologue Of A First Date: Guys Vs. Girls (my version)

Full disclosure: This is my take on something I read on Thought Catalog.

Getting ready at home…

Girl: Who am I kidding? Shaving now. please be good in bed. please be good in bed.

Guy: Oh shit. I have a date in an hour. I wonder if I’m getting laid tonight. is that fire sauce on my desk? damn, that taco bell run last night was a damn good decision.

Girl: Ok. I met him on OkCupid. NBD. He texted to confirm. Oh well, saves me from the awkward ‘how the hell do I get off the phone and away from this conversation’ scenario. Damn, his Facebook is sure on lockdown. Even though I’m itching to creep, I gotta give this fella some credit for his borderline Guantanamo Bay highly secured FB. Oh shit, it’s almost time to go. Whatever, whose ever early nowadays? Two Words. Fashionably Late.

Guy: Is that Game of Thrones I see? Just one. Just one episode and I’ll head out. please look like Daenerys. please look like Daenerys.PLEASE LOOK LIKE DAENERYS. I should jerk off again. Ok, I’ll just leave now. 

At the restaurant…

Girl (7:20pm): Is that him? No… Oh, I see him. LOOK SEXY LOOK SEXY LOOK SEXY Hi, how are you? I’m sorry for being late. 

Guy (7:25pm): Oh, don’t worry about it! I was a few minutes late as well. I KNEW I COULD HAVE FINISHED THAT EPISODE

Girl: stop judging him…he kind of looks weird. I need alcohol I’ll have a glass of the house red, thank you. 

Guy: ...okay, like that, eh? I’ll have the Pilsner. 

Girl (smiling): What to talk about. Whatever. I’m hungry. HALLELUJAH, BREAD BASKET. COME TO MAMA. Okay, stay reserved. Self-preservation. One. Piece. At. A. Time. I wonder what he’s thinking. 

Guy (smiling): Cheeseburgers and bacon, bacon and cheeseburgers…I wonder if I’m getting laid tonight… Cheeseburger, bacon… OOOH, BREAD. 

Waiter asks what they’d like for dinner…

Guy: Cheeseburger. 

Girl: To look like a fat girl or to not? He should just see the true me now. Mac n’ Cheese, please. 

Guy: Damn, girl. You do you. 

Three drinks later…

Girl (smiling again): You’re actually pretty cute. I wonder if I’m going to sleep with you tonight. Thank God I Shaved. 

Dude (smiling again): Cheeseburgers and pussy, pussy and cheeseburgers. Pork belly…during sex? Damn, she has nice tits.

The cab ride home…

Girl: Yup, that just happened. He totally groped me. But I liked it. Again, Thank God I Shaved. 

Guy: Yup, I just groped you. You look like you liked it too. THIS. IS. HAPPENING.

At her place…

Girl: I’m going to run to the bathroom real quick! Ok, girl. You got this. Perfume? Check. Make-up? Check. Lady Love on point? Check. 

Guy: *Looks down at dick* YOU. GOT. THIS. 

& the rest is history… until the next morning.

The next morning…

Girl: *looks to her left* Oh man. Oh man. That Happened. Shit, I’m so fucking thirsty, jesus. *coyly awaken the nakedness sleeping next to me* Fuck. A bloody mary sounds good. *quick text to the BFF* Please leave. I need a bloody mary. 

Guy: Damn, I feel fucking good. *looks at her* Hi. I should probably head home. I have some errands to run. TBH, it’s Sunday, I’m watching football with a cold beer…but you don’t need to know that.

Girl: Oh, me too. Last night was fun though. BLOODY MARY HERE I FUCKING COME. 

*5 minutes of awkward dressing* 

*awkward hug*

Girl: Well, thank you for dinner. I had fun. (kind of)

Guy: No problem. I had a great time. We’ll talk again soon. (maybe) 

*awkward goodbye*

Then she walks back into her house, stares at the wall for a little bit, and then thinks about what she wants to heat up to eat. He grabs a cab and thinks about what games are playing today.

Blair Bee

Lawyered.

This post is more of an outreach to you readers out there or maybe just a personal narrative to myself. Who knows. Who cares. What threshold does one need to pass before you officially label yourself out of that gray area between monogamy and chastity? What scenario needs to happen before you can actually consider yourself ‘dating’ someone exclusively? Or does such thing even exist? Or am I just talking that crazy talk right now?

Just a little about myself & my ‘love life’: I haven’t exclusively dated anyone in two years. And yes, I didn’t have sex for a long time. How? I don’t even know. You can be damn sure my lady love was unhappy with the situation but I digress. I’m a busy as fuck. I work a lot but not because I’m required to but because I enjoy it. When I’m working, I’m fully concentrated on my task. When I’m not working, I’m mere moments away from taking my phone or laptop out to write an email or note something that I thought about while thinking about work. So, there you have it, I work a lot, I’m glad we’ve established that. I don’t just like my space, I require it. It comes with the package, buddy. If we’re going to survive this son-of-a-bitch whirlwind romance, I.need.my.space.

It wasn’t until recent that I took it upon myself to begin experimenting with more nontraditional dating outlets like eHarmony, Match, and OkCupid. Before I even begin to fathom the experiences I’ve had, let me just say one thing. Bitches be crazy.

Which leads me to this moment. I’ve met someone that is almost a mirror image of myself- a lawyer with a just as busy, if not more, schedule. We’ve established that space is a requirement without having to say a word to each other, it’s a given. We don’t speak during the week, aside from the occasional ‘I hope your week is going well’ or ‘Have a safe flight to…’ and I’m completely and utterly smitten by it all. We’ve been casually dating these past few weeks and they have been the epitome of normal. Dinner. Drinks. Laughing. Conversation. Sex. Morning Coffee. & then we both go our separate ways. 

But now I see myself here, in his room, on his desktop, working, and he’s outside working on his motorcycle. I’m completely torn between what the fuck just happened? and why am I enjoying this? I went over last night. We watched a movie. We talked. We laughed. We went to bed (and if I may add, in normal people pajamas). We cuddled minimally. We woke up. We got coffee. He invited me to stay. I stayed. Now I’m here. Does this constitute as being in a relationship? I work in an industry where I’m constantly analyzing situations which at times makes me over-analytical to the point where I am [almost] at fault. I weigh out my pros and cons and the moment I see more cons than pros, I’m out there before you can even blink twice. But for some crazy, out of this world reason, I see more pros than anything else at this point.

[flash forward 2 hours]

I’m still here and I’ve gone into deep conversation with his sister-in-law. By the way, he lives with his brother and sister-in-law to help them out with expenses because his brother (police officer) underwent brain surgery but has since fully recovered.

We (myself and his sister-in-law) talked linens, house additions, she offered to teach me the art of crocheting, she gave me the 411 on their crazy neighbors. We ate Thai. All the while he is working on his motorcycle and her husband is cleaning the pool outside. WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Maybe I’m just overanalyzing when I should just be taking everything in as it comes. Am I freaking out because I’ve been out of the game for so long? I’m in foreign territory. Maybe I’m feeling this way because he’s 12 years older than me or because when we say our goodbyes, we don’t even kiss or because this is all happening and I’m still extremely happy and enjoying every moment.

Should I run? Should I stay? Should I just stop thinking and let this bitch we call life naturally happen?

Let the comments and messages ensue.
Remember you can always contact me via iamathinking@gmail.com

I welcome all emails and comments. Even if you just feel like bitching about something I said. Bitch on, bitches. 

Blair Bee

I, Blair Bee, take you, Anonymous,…

… to be my husband but on one condition: Promise To Always Be My Boyfriend.

A lot of people who know me on a more personal level have labeled me as the woman who will always be afraid of marriage. But in all honesty, I’m not afraid to get married. I’m afraid of my marriage turning into a marriage. I’m not sure if that makes much sense but hear me out.

For those of you who are single and utterly afraid of the idea of marriage, I’m sure you somewhat know where I’m coming from. I’m sure everyone reading this (myself included) is all too familiar with what we labeled as ‘The Honeymoon Stage’, but what I don’t understand is why this so-call ‘stage’ is only a phase in the relationship. In the beginning of any relationship, we have those instances where before you know it, you’re spending every waking moment with this person. But I’ve noticed that many (not all) married and soon-to-be married couples are experiencing the complete opposite. After many questions, I’ve learned that most of the married couples I’ve spoken to have most frequently admitted to these following which include my response: 

1. They don’t have time to go out anymore.
I think this is a poor ass excuse for We Should Have Never Gotten Married In The First Place. Make time. You made time in the beginning. What’s stopping you now? Whether it’s a dinner once a week or a dinner once a month. Communication is key. A well-balanced relationship starts with communication and everything else will lead its way. I get it, all of us are busy but if you decided to emotionally invest in this person for the long run, busy just isn’t going to cut it.

2. The kids play a huge factor in their ‘alone’ time.
Some of you may not agree with what I have to say next but tough. I completely, utterly, and without a doubt, support babysitters and daycare options. If you have the finances to hire a babysitter, even once a month, do it. They aren’t going anywhere for 18 years, they will survive one night a month without you or should I say, you’ll survive one night a month without them.

3. We aren’t as emotionally invested anymore because we’re both so stressed out.
Uh, newsflash: That’s why you have each other. For better or for worse. I confided in you in the beginning, why should I stop now? Because our relationship is legal? Because we both signed a marriage license? No. I want my future husband to always be my boyfriend. Be my best friend. Be the man I fell in love with. Our relationship shouldn’t change for the worse because it’s legal. It should change for the better because I vow to always be your girlfriend, wife, best friend, lover. Talk to each other. Again, this is where communication is key comes into play. 

4. Money
Go for a walk. Go to the park. Go get a hotdog. I’m use to starting a relationship with someone with nothing but each other. We walked, we talked, we hung out. You don’t need money to have a healthy relationship. This point can be arguable in the sense that not all of us come from the same background. A few of us are born into a more extravagant lifestyle which is completely understandable. But I feel like if you are emotionally invested in someone, you aren’t with invested in their bank statement, you are with invested in the genuine fact that you enjoy being around them whether $$$ is there or not. 

5. I can’t forget about when he/she did…[insert mundane argument here].
You two need to move on. Never argue historically. Holding a grudge against your spouse for something that happened in the past solves nothing and will only make matters worse. The past is the past. Until death do us part. Does that mean you’re going to hold that ‘one time you blah blah blah’ to your death beds? I didn’t think so. Learn forgiveness. It’ll make you a better person in your marriage and in your overall life.

So, I guess the ending to this whole post is…

To My Future Husband,

Promise to always see me as your girlfriend and not just your wife. Promise me our dating life won’t go to shambles because we both said, “I do.” Go have fun with the boys. Drink beer. Make a fool out of yourself but remember to always treat me like you treated me when we first met. Remember to always pursue me like you did since day one. Promise to always have a sense of wonder because I can guarantee you that I will never stop trying to learn about you. I can’t promise you I won’t change but I promise if I do, it’ll be for the better. Keep me in mind and I’ll keep you in mind. Love me whole-heartedly and love me like I’ll be gone tomorrow. I’m not asking you to constantly buy me flowers or text me everyday, I’m asking you to be on the constant pursuit of the key to my heart (even when you know you already have it).

Forever Your Girlfriend,

Blair Bee

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“Uhh no. I have respect for myself”

As you all may have noticed, I mentioned I would be talking about relationships in my first post. Well, I figured tonight I would talk about just that. It isn’t going to be very long or enlightening but I hope it sheds some light on a few of you who may be currently on a dating website. This first post will be about the very encounter I’m currently having with someone from OkCupid.

I’m not one to really have any expectations or judgements from someones profile so I’ll just jump right into our initial conversation. We’ll call him Tuna.

This is after our typical “How was your day?” ice breaker.

Tuna- “What do you do? Eeh my day was pretty good but then a girl I hit it off with yesterday flaked on me today and then accidentally sent me the wrong text.”
I should have just stopped there and withhold any response but a part of me was intrigued but I knew I shouldn’t go any further into the subject.
Me- “I work for a commercial developer doing marketing and property management. Oh I see.”
Tuna- “That sounds fun!”
Me- “It has its moments. What do you do for a living?”
Tuna- “I dress in plain clothes and watch people all day and stop them if they shoplift. Not ideally what I want to do but I’m working on getting back into school.”
Me- “So, I’m guessing your a security guard?”
Tuna- “Uhh no. I have respect for myself. I dress in regular clothes and watch people. Loss prevention agent. Security guards… make zero decisions and just sit around all day”
Can you fucking blame me for jumping to that conclusion? If you don’t want someone to guess incorrectly, don’t give them some half ass description as to what you do and expect them to be able to pull it out of their ass, dick.
Me- “Oops. I’m not very familiar with your occupation. Whatever you do, no judgement here. Work is work.”
Tuna- “I don’t know why anyone would want to do it. Sorry, that came off rude.”
UHH, yeah buddy, I think rude is an understatement. 
Tuna- “I was talking about the ‘uhh no’ part :P”
Okay, byeee.

Now, here is what I have to say about this short conversation.

Run, run as far and fast away as you can. Whether you’re a female or male, if anyone is ever this pretentious from the start, GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THEM AS POSSIBLE. I’m not one to judge off of occupation. We all need the money, it’s the bread and butter for survival. I will not base my opinion on you, or anyone else for that matter, off what you do for a living.

This, my friends, is a major red flag. If this happens to sound familiar in a sense where you are coming from his point of view- Stop and re-evaluate your values because you need to stop acting like your shit don’t stank. 

A key factor in my ‘dating world’ is the ability to stay humble no matter where you are in life. I’ve learned to never judge a book by its cover. I’m not saying you aren’t allowed to have standards but you should always give someone a chance, no matter what the circumstances are because you might just be pleasantly surprised with the outcome. I mean, come on, you’re already on a dating website. If you’re going to take that plunge, you might as well take it whole-heartedly. Don’t jump to conclusions and don’t set yourself on an imaginary pedestal. You will, just like that guy up there, make yourself look like a complete asshole. Unless they happen to be an asshole too. In that case, I hope the two of you assholes live a happy asshole life with bratty asshole kids.

OH, and don’t talk about previous dates or people you’ve met if the other person didn’t ask. I feel like I shouldn’t even have to stress this but here I am, stressing it. If I wanted to hear about the girl/guy that rejected you, I would have asked. So, if they don’t ask, don’t tell. Obviously, it’s not the best choice of an ice breaker. I mean, come on dude, what the fuck? 

So, you guys “hit it off” and then she flaked and accidentally sent you the wrong text? LOL. I, umm… I mean… I don’t… I don’t even know. Okay. 

And btw, yes, I for damn sure stopped responding.