The Inner Monologue Of A First Date: Guys Vs. Girls (my version)

Full disclosure: This is my take on something I read on Thought Catalog.

Getting ready at home…

Girl: Who am I kidding? Shaving now. please be good in bed. please be good in bed.

Guy: Oh shit. I have a date in an hour. I wonder if I’m getting laid tonight. is that fire sauce on my desk? damn, that taco bell run last night was a damn good decision.

Girl: Ok. I met him on OkCupid. NBD. He texted to confirm. Oh well, saves me from the awkward ‘how the hell do I get off the phone and away from this conversation’ scenario. Damn, his Facebook is sure on lockdown. Even though I’m itching to creep, I gotta give this fella some credit for his borderline Guantanamo Bay highly secured FB. Oh shit, it’s almost time to go. Whatever, whose ever early nowadays? Two Words. Fashionably Late.

Guy: Is that Game of Thrones I see? Just one. Just one episode and I’ll head out. please look like Daenerys. please look like Daenerys.PLEASE LOOK LIKE DAENERYS. I should jerk off again. Ok, I’ll just leave now. 

At the restaurant…

Girl (7:20pm): Is that him? No… Oh, I see him. LOOK SEXY LOOK SEXY LOOK SEXY Hi, how are you? I’m sorry for being late. 

Guy (7:25pm): Oh, don’t worry about it! I was a few minutes late as well. I KNEW I COULD HAVE FINISHED THAT EPISODE

Girl: stop judging him…he kind of looks weird. I need alcohol I’ll have a glass of the house red, thank you. 

Guy: ...okay, like that, eh? I’ll have the Pilsner. 

Girl (smiling): What to talk about. Whatever. I’m hungry. HALLELUJAH, BREAD BASKET. COME TO MAMA. Okay, stay reserved. Self-preservation. One. Piece. At. A. Time. I wonder what he’s thinking. 

Guy (smiling): Cheeseburgers and bacon, bacon and cheeseburgers…I wonder if I’m getting laid tonight… Cheeseburger, bacon… OOOH, BREAD. 

Waiter asks what they’d like for dinner…

Guy: Cheeseburger. 

Girl: To look like a fat girl or to not? He should just see the true me now. Mac n’ Cheese, please. 

Guy: Damn, girl. You do you. 

Three drinks later…

Girl (smiling again): You’re actually pretty cute. I wonder if I’m going to sleep with you tonight. Thank God I Shaved. 

Dude (smiling again): Cheeseburgers and pussy, pussy and cheeseburgers. Pork belly…during sex? Damn, she has nice tits.

The cab ride home…

Girl: Yup, that just happened. He totally groped me. But I liked it. Again, Thank God I Shaved. 

Guy: Yup, I just groped you. You look like you liked it too. THIS. IS. HAPPENING.

At her place…

Girl: I’m going to run to the bathroom real quick! Ok, girl. You got this. Perfume? Check. Make-up? Check. Lady Love on point? Check. 

Guy: *Looks down at dick* YOU. GOT. THIS. 

& the rest is history… until the next morning.

The next morning…

Girl: *looks to her left* Oh man. Oh man. That Happened. Shit, I’m so fucking thirsty, jesus. *coyly awaken the nakedness sleeping next to me* Fuck. A bloody mary sounds good. *quick text to the BFF* Please leave. I need a bloody mary. 

Guy: Damn, I feel fucking good. *looks at her* Hi. I should probably head home. I have some errands to run. TBH, it’s Sunday, I’m watching football with a cold beer…but you don’t need to know that.

Girl: Oh, me too. Last night was fun though. BLOODY MARY HERE I FUCKING COME. 

*5 minutes of awkward dressing* 

*awkward hug*

Girl: Well, thank you for dinner. I had fun. (kind of)

Guy: No problem. I had a great time. We’ll talk again soon. (maybe) 

*awkward goodbye*

Then she walks back into her house, stares at the wall for a little bit, and then thinks about what she wants to heat up to eat. He grabs a cab and thinks about what games are playing today.

Blair Bee


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