Lawyered.

This post is more of an outreach to you readers out there or maybe just a personal narrative to myself. Who knows. Who cares. What threshold does one need to pass before you officially label yourself out of that gray area between monogamy and chastity? What scenario needs to happen before you can actually consider yourself ‘dating’ someone exclusively? Or does such thing even exist? Or am I just talking that crazy talk right now?

Just a little about myself & my ‘love life’: I haven’t exclusively dated anyone in two years. And yes, I didn’t have sex for a long time. How? I don’t even know. You can be damn sure my lady love was unhappy with the situation but I digress. I’m a busy as fuck. I work a lot but not because I’m required to but because I enjoy it. When I’m working, I’m fully concentrated on my task. When I’m not working, I’m mere moments away from taking my phone or laptop out to write an email or note something that I thought about while thinking about work. So, there you have it, I work a lot, I’m glad we’ve established that. I don’t just like my space, I require it. It comes with the package, buddy. If we’re going to survive this son-of-a-bitch whirlwind romance, I.need.my.space.

It wasn’t until recent that I took it upon myself to begin experimenting with more nontraditional dating outlets like eHarmony, Match, and OkCupid. Before I even begin to fathom the experiences I’ve had, let me just say one thing. Bitches be crazy.

Which leads me to this moment. I’ve met someone that is almost a mirror image of myself- a lawyer with a just as busy, if not more, schedule. We’ve established that space is a requirement without having to say a word to each other, it’s a given. We don’t speak during the week, aside from the occasional ‘I hope your week is going well’ or ‘Have a safe flight to…’ and I’m completely and utterly smitten by it all. We’ve been casually dating these past few weeks and they have been the epitome of normal. Dinner. Drinks. Laughing. Conversation. Sex. Morning Coffee. & then we both go our separate ways. 

But now I see myself here, in his room, on his desktop, working, and he’s outside working on his motorcycle. I’m completely torn between what the fuck just happened? and why am I enjoying this? I went over last night. We watched a movie. We talked. We laughed. We went to bed (and if I may add, in normal people pajamas). We cuddled minimally. We woke up. We got coffee. He invited me to stay. I stayed. Now I’m here. Does this constitute as being in a relationship? I work in an industry where I’m constantly analyzing situations which at times makes me over-analytical to the point where I am [almost] at fault. I weigh out my pros and cons and the moment I see more cons than pros, I’m out there before you can even blink twice. But for some crazy, out of this world reason, I see more pros than anything else at this point.

[flash forward 2 hours]

I’m still here and I’ve gone into deep conversation with his sister-in-law. By the way, he lives with his brother and sister-in-law to help them out with expenses because his brother (police officer) underwent brain surgery but has since fully recovered.

We (myself and his sister-in-law) talked linens, house additions, she offered to teach me the art of crocheting, she gave me the 411 on their crazy neighbors. We ate Thai. All the while he is working on his motorcycle and her husband is cleaning the pool outside. WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Maybe I’m just overanalyzing when I should just be taking everything in as it comes. Am I freaking out because I’ve been out of the game for so long? I’m in foreign territory. Maybe I’m feeling this way because he’s 12 years older than me or because when we say our goodbyes, we don’t even kiss or because this is all happening and I’m still extremely happy and enjoying every moment.

Should I run? Should I stay? Should I just stop thinking and let this bitch we call life naturally happen?

Let the comments and messages ensue.
Remember you can always contact me via iamathinking@gmail.com

I welcome all emails and comments. Even if you just feel like bitching about something I said. Bitch on, bitches. 

Blair Bee

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4 comments

  1. You should stay and let it play out, though I think you made that decision the moment you didn’t leave his house. I’m anxiety ridden and prone to overthinking until I come up with what I think is definitely the explanation for something and am almost always off. In turn I lose the enjoyment of the moment. It’s wasted on defining it. Define it by how you feel right minute by minute not by what you need to do next. And if you’re thinking this much about anything at all, you’re already invested in it on some level 😉

    1. I definitely did a quick evaluation when he asked me to stay which caught me off guard completely. I guess I’m at fault where when I should define it by how I feel minute by minute because instead I don’t allow myself to feel right or wrong about any situation until I give myself time to evaluate the situation. Unfortunately, my brain is hardwired to overthink.

      As you mentioned, I guess it’s time for me to learn how to ‘live in the moment’.

      1. Far easier said than done though, that cliché is definitely true. I constantly try to catch myself when I spiral into my overthinking, but honestly I think it’s near impossible to entirely rewire your thought processes. Sometimes I also find the things that I feel deeply connected to in my heart don’t cause me to live in the moment as I should, but cause me to overthink even more. I think the balance of living in the moment of thinking just enough is a constant. In my opinion we could have worse problems though; like not thinking at all! Haha.

      2. It truly is a never-ending battle but then again, I’m very appreciative of who I am because of my thoughts and questions. It gives me a type of stimulation that can’t be filled with anything else. Yes, I have my moments but who doesn’t? Haha, you got that right! If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking.

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