Can someone just shoot me now and take me out of my misery? I think one of the worst parts about being a woman is the day you experience your first UTI (urinary tract infection). I honestly don’t think know how women who have chronic UTI’s manage daily life. I take my hat of to you ladies, seriously. You deserve a fucking medal and more. Men, if you think a period is bad, You. Have. No. Idea. A woman suffering from a UTI is vulnerable, irritable, uncomfortable, in pain, and just in general your worst nightmare. But you know what? You can’t blame us. Most of us get it from having your meat slammed into us. Long sigh. It really is just depressing. OH, you want to enjoy that maybe…15 minutes tops of pleasure? FINE, here you go, but be prepared for potentially infecting yourself with a UTI. Long, Long sigh…
For those of you out there who know what I’m talking about, there is no need for me to say anymore. For those of you out there that have no clue what I’m talking about, let me break it down for you.
1. You start off by having this weird feeling in your abdomen- it’s almost as if the muscles are tightening up. Since I’m a UTI veteran, this is the first tell-tale sign of a UTI setting in. Usually I’m already gulping down a ridiculous amount of water but sometimes, just sometimes, your body likes to just say FUCK YOU and let the UTI do its business.
2. If the water doesn’t help, this is usually when you start experiencing the really shitty symptoms of a UTI. The constant urge to pee every 2 minutes and every single time you do tinkle, you squirt out maybe a drop of urine while experiencing this wretched pain in your lady love and lower abdomen. Honestly, I sit on the toilet for hours on end cursing obscenities on everything and everyone around me. This usually last a couple of hours, so, it’s safe to say that I’m not going out or having any human interactions with anyone. Fuck. That. Shit. Get. Out. Of. My. Face. NOW.
3. Aside from the constant urge to pee and recurring sharp pain, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, down there is sensitive. It’s almost as if your lady love was just scraped raw of the first layer of flesh and let out to just rot. I might be over-exaggerating right there but I don’t give a shit. I’m sitting at my desk right now, with my pants rubbing my area raw, while I have the urge to pee, and the feeling of a knife being shoved into my abdomen- so, WHATEVER.
4. Good Lord, what is that god forsaken smell? Yup, your shit smells and it smells BAD. I don’t even know how to describe the odor other than it’s weird and embarrassing. I mean, no one is even in the bathroom with me when I do smell that odor and I still get embarrassed. It truly is just sad. Other than the constant pain and suffering, a UTI tops if off by also smelling like something just died in your vagina. Not cute. Not cute at all.
Basically, you experience #2, #3, and #4 throughout the entire ordeal until your body finally flushes out all the bacteria from your urethra and you are finally given a break. It is certainly a vicious cycle that I will never wish upon anyone. Okay, enough with the symptoms and negatives of a UTI. It’s time to move on to the more important stuff like remedies and medication.
Obviously, going to the doctors every single time you suffer from a UTI is a little absurd. First of all, ain’t nobody got time for that shit. Second, not all of us have health insurance. Third, UTI’s creep up during the most random times so just taking off work to go to the doctors is almost always out of the questions. Here are some tips I have about treating and helping with the discomfort.
1. Cranberry and h2o is your best friend. Drink water and h2o until you feel like bursting. You think I’m kidding but I’m not. Not only will it help flush the bacteria and toxins out of your system but it’ll help with urinating. I hate it when I sit down on the toilet and only a tiny dribble comes out. The more cranberry and h2o I drink, the easier it is for me to cope with the constant urinating and pain. Usually when it’s really bad, I mix cranberry juice, orange juice, and water into a giant jug. My ultimate concoction for UTI relief. Don’t use cranberry cocktail or OJ from concentrate. Get the all natural stuff that’s 100% juice. I know, I know, we all aren’t made out of money but for your sake, just do it. I promise it’ll make a world of difference in getting over your UTI.
2. Don’t hold your piss. When you need to go, go. I don’t care if only a drop comes out or you’re sitting on the toilet for hours- GO. Holding your urine will only worsen your UTI and that will ultimately prolong everything. You don’t want that. You really, really don’t want that.
3. Fetal position and heat pad. Thank you baby jesus for the creation of a heating pad. Whenever those sharp pains start getting unbearable, I turn that bad boy on and it does such a good job soothing the painful ache that I actually manage to fall asleep. I’ve noticed that positioning myself in a fetal position helps. That might just be me though so I apologize in advance if it doesn’t do shit for you.
4. AZO. If you don’t know what it is, Google it. It’s an over-the-counter medication you can purchase for UTI relief. It does a world of difference if it works for you. I’ve had a few occasions where it didn’t make a difference but whatever, I’ll do whatever it takes. If it works, FUCKING GREAT. If not, oh well…at least I tried.
5. Cotton is your friend. Cotton is your lover. Just have sex with Cotton already. Seriously, though. Wear cotton panties and loose pants. Give your lady love some breathing space and just let her relax, she at least deserves that. Not only is she experiencing the worst thing ever but the last thing she needs is to be stuffed into pantyhose with a tight mini skirt wrapped around her. Let her do her. She’s your precious gem, treat her like it.
PREVENTING A UTI.
1. Pee after sexy time. I don’t care if you feel self conscious about your S/O hearing. He just saw you bounce around all up on him at angles you yourself have never seen yourself in, so, go ahead and pee, he ain’t gonna judge. It helps flush out all the bacteria that was jammed up into your urethra during sexy fun time too.
2. Drink cranberry juice or take cranberry pills. I don’t care if it hasn’t been medically proven. This shit works.
3. Don’t be lazy. Wipe from front to back. I really shouldn’t have to say this but then again, I do. Make sure you’re constantly up-keeping your area. It’s your treasure chest, ladies. Good toilet hygiene is sexy, seriously. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Keep your vagina clean. Btw, wet wipes are fucking amazing. Just saying.
4. Be aware of the symptoms. Like I said, the moment you start feeling that weird tightness- bitch, grab that water bottle and start chugging. Pretend it’s college and you’re trying to impress that frat guy by doing a keg stand. Chug Chug Chug. Oh, and lay off the dirty dirty. The last thing you want to do when you start experiencing those first signs of a UTI is having your man or whatever shove up more bacteria into your urethra. Just relax for a night, it ain’t going to kill you. If you really need to have that sexy fun time, then do it. But don’t say no one warned you and don’t start bitching when everything below the waist starts to hurt.
So, there you go- my explanation and remedies for a Urinary Tract Infection.
I’m going to go pee now, bye.